04 Oct 2012 Leave a Comment
I am t-t-t-terrible at self-care. For whatever reason, I can’t trust the process and I don’t trust myself. I don’t believe that I will ever be able to eat like a “normie” or eat intuitively or whatever the latest obsession I have with eating is, and I don’t believe I will ever be able to live in my body like a normie and move it and enjoy the benefits of fitness.
I get manically obsessed with self-regulation according to someone else’s rules, and I want desperately to implement systems to control my life and my appetites and my energy expenditures. These systems always come from completely outside myself (and therefore are pretty likely to fail, in my opinion) because I can’t trust what my betrayer of a body and weakling of a mind are telling me. I do not trust myself. And that’s worse than just not liking myself or whatever. I don’t believe in myself.
I’m trying to get to the root of this issue. Why don’t I trust myself? Why can’t I judge what’s the healing path vs the damaging one? Or, if I can, why do I choose damage over healing? I guess that last part has more to do with self-worth than anything.
But do I have some serious psychological trauma that is preventing me from becoming capable of self-care? Maybe. It’s a very frustrating place to be — I am capable of self-awareness to this extent, but am incapable of actually healing or growing beyond it. This is misery.
This miserable place is also a place of guilt and embarrassment because a. my life seems relatively ok by external measures and/or b. I don’t want to think others
think know I’m a crazy mess, so I don’t ever talk about this sort of thing.
My long-suffering spouse gets the brunt of this mania most of the time. Which is unfair and leads to more guilty feelings for me.
I don’t even know where to start. I guess if I was giving myself advice, I’d say therapy. And therapy has, to some extent, been beneficial to me in the past. But recently, seeking therapy has been very… frustrating. Some therapists were simply not returning my inquiry phone calls or emails, or, when one finally did, she didn’t have any openings that would work for me at all. And it really felt like rejection and added to my low self-worth. So I kind of gave up, because even trying to get help was hurting my feelings.
26 Jun 2012 1 Comment
WELL THIS BLOG WAS PRETTY MUCH A BUST BECAUSE I NEVER POSTED IN IT.
I WILL TODAY BECAUSE I BEAT THE DEADLINE FOR MY PROJECT BY 7 DAYS.
IT IS DONE.
03 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
Today my sister Rebecca posted this on her facebook. Thanks dude! It is inspiring!
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Strive to be happy.
30 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
That “boss” is a reference to me, because I’m sure I’m doing pretty much the same thing I always do, which is start some online project and then promptly forget about it!
I even forgot the name of this blog…..
ANYWAY, I’m not doing that this time, it’s just that I am super braindead by the time I get home these days. Part of it is feeling pressure and anxiety all day long every day to do this new job just perfectly. But that’s coming from me, so I need to shake that off.
After the first week, there was more of the same. The remaining stakeholders (those who haven’t received their funding commitments) are affectionately known as the Problem Children. They are the groups that are the most difficult to work with. It’s like trying to hold that homemade silly putty made from cornstarch and glue. Just when I think it’s in a nice tight blob and everyone knows what’s up and we’re all on the same page, things just sort of….droop away and collapse through my fingers.
But all in all, things are going well. Though I had a bad dream last night that the person who did this job officially before me (not my boss who was an interim solution) came back to NM to visit us. She would never do that in real life, so I think I’m ok, but in my dream I was all “oh shit!” and immediately looking for a place to hide. And that is because I didn’t want to face admitting that her failure wasn’t all her fault, that this job is kind of as crappy as she always made it out to be.
But that only spurs me on to do even better, to come to the end of this a shining golden hero of project coordination.
16 Mar 2012 2 Comments
It’s not like I have two little kids and a spouse that’s away all the time and am trying to go to nursing school……
But I lived!
It’s Friday, and I feel insanely accomplished. I was excited to get up and go to work every day this week. I don’t expect that to last, but it’s nice right now.
14 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
Checking to see if automagic works for twitter and tumblr.
14 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
Today the stressful things were: an email to a stakeholder that requires delicacy and a cultural sensitivity that I’m not experienced with, yet. Some of our dealings are with Native American healthcare organizations and I’m dreadfully afraid of causing offense inadvertently.
More stress stuff: conference calls, issues with tax questions (issue: vendors will want to collect tax to cover their own regulatory charges, like what shows up on our phone bills. However, the rate has to be detailed and agreed to in the contracts, and no one wants to do that because the service agreements are covering 60months, and what if the FCC or other regulatory agencies raise the fees during that period? If the vendors can’t pass that along to the customer, they (the vendors) eat it. But if they don’t agree to a fixed rate, the amounts aren’t reimburseable, and the healthcare provider (stakeholder) eats it because the vendor will bill them for it. It’s a thorny issue that is not clear.
Every day this week I thank the Fates that it’s Spring Break. If I had to do these two jobs and schoolwork, I would choke myself.
13 Mar 2012 1 Comment
Man, the hiring of someone to do my old job can.NOT come fast enough. I know I’m placing too much expectation on myself, but I really want to get going on my new stuff, and there’s a load to do because of a fast approaching hard deadline to get the documents in.
Today, though, my boss interviewed a couple of temps and settled on one she likes. I think the new person is a great choice and I am looking forward to handing off my stuff.
In other news, I didn’t even get to eat a scrap of food from the time I got up at 5 whatever until noon. So, I ate my breakfast for lunch. So, I ate no lunch. Now it’s 6pm and I am hungry and cranky and headachy. Thank goodness this week is Spring Break. If I had to do all this and do classwork I would…well, I would survive, but not happily.
12 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
Today is the first day of my New Very Important Job. Over the course of this blog I will recount some of my history leading up to this job, as well as keep track of the details of what happens as I learn how to do this important thing.
My job is: taking over being the coordinator during the final year of a federally-funded project to deliver services to rural communities in my state. I’m still trying to decide what level of discretion I need to have in this blog. Senor H (Mr Husband) says I should envision my boss reading it. I guess that’s a good level. But I hope she doesn’t actually read it, at least not yet, because I’m in the learning stage and I imagine I will need to vent some.
I had bad dreams — or, anyway weird dreams — leading up to this day. The one that sticks with me is I dreamed I got to work very early, when it was still dark. I was bitter because we hadn’t exercised over the weekend, so I took a brisk walk around the block. When I got back to my office, I had forgotten “normal” clothes. I only had the workout clothes I was wearing. Then a bunch of strangers showed up and said they had to go out to the back yard. What?
Today we jumped right in. We had a meeting to update me with the exact status of all 14 stakeholders, and then, later in the day, a meeting with one of the vendors who brought the four signed contracts for the awarded vendors for one RFP, and we reviewed them line by line to make sure we understood how to complete the gov’t management company forms in order to secure the funding commitment. That meeting was productive. I have a steep learning curve, especially about the technology and services being contracted, and that is critical. In fact, it’s the part of applying for the job I felt most insecure about. I have about zero experience with network design.
My immediate boss is also the person who has been doing this job in the interim between the last associate project coordinator and me (approx 6 months). We have a great rapport, and she’s the one who really wanted me in this position, so I’m looking forward to working closely with her as I get up to speed.
My current (previous) position is being interviewed for, but my start date for my new job was moved up so I have to do both jobs until the temp gets put in place and trained. That means my entire day is filled up with both jobs and trying to get organized in order to train someone/transition and to get my new systems in place for tracking everything about New Job. Since it’s federally-funded, it will be audited. I sold myself during my interview as someone who could handle that, so now I have to put my money where my mouth is.
The first day flew by so fast. I don’t know if that means it’s going to be a good job or not, but I am so excited to get started!